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I had a sinking feeling about the whole thing all day and my appointment wasn't until 1:45. I kept telling myself my feeling was fear, fear after all we have been though with the ectopic and this baby not being ok, then miraculously fighting back with a strong heartbeat that I would naturally feel a sense of fear. I prayed and prayed but couldn't shake the "pit in my stomach" feeling. Yesterday, I told someone we were having a baby in August and as the words came out of my mouth I felt like I knew it wasn't going to happen. Today, I went to write on my calender when I would be 13 weeks pregnant or "in the clear" and I couldn't do it. I know my God prepared my heart for 2:15 when I would hear the news that there was no heartbeat. He is so good to me in that way.
Today, I should be 9 weeks and 3 days, the baby measured 8 weeks and 3 days....
I don't really know what to say except that I know my God is good and does only good. (ps 119) I know He is absolutely Sovereign (Col 1:16-18), works ALL things out for our good and His glory (Rom 8:28), and that He has good plans for us (Jer 29:11). I know He desires to do immeasurably more through my life and that somehow this is part of that immeasurably more (Eph 3:20) that I realize I may never understand on this side of heaven, but I will accept because I know my God loves me passionalty, infinitely, as far more than I can even comprehend (Ps 103:11, Ps 86:15). I am thankful to God that He is always with me, always faithful, and knows how the pieces of my life fit together best to most glorify Him.
I have a DNC scheduled for Wednesday morning and I would really appreciate your prayers.
I wanted to post the lyrics from an awesome song called "Sovereign" by Chris Tomlin. It's on his new CD Burning Lights. It is just perfect right now.
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
In my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
Sovereign in the mountain
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, BLESSED (praised and magnified) BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!!! Job 1:21
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11 comments:
Ashley, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for you. Lots of love.
I am so sorry. Praying for you sweet girl.
Very sorry for your loss.
Praying for you and praying that you always feel God's comfort.
Oh my gosh. May the Lord give you supernatural strength and peace in this season. Praying for you!
I'm so sorry. We lost our baby a few days before Christmas at 7 weeks. We had planned to surprise our families by giving them gifts related to the new baby. Finding out of the loss just before Christmas made the hurt seem worse, but it also made my heart so hungry for Jesus and the real reason for Christmas. He is faithful. I took comfort in listening to Josh Wilson's "Jesus is Alive" - "this baby boy makes all sad things untrue." I pray for comfort and love for your family.
I will pray for your heart. We've experienced a daughter going to Jesus at 20 weeks. This poem, written by Mother Angelica, helped me to heal.
Why, my Lord, dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face. it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise.
Why, my Lord?
“Why, My child, do you ask ‘why’?
Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty, he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool, forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
Although I don't know you (I'm not even sure how I found your blog :) ) I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. My heart hurts for you as the loss of a baby is all too real to me right now. We just lost our baby Isaac (I was 21 weeks pregnant with him) over Christmas. I know one of the hardest things for me has been all of the plans I had for this 3rd baby with his older sister and brother. Praying that God's peace would surround your entire family- especially your girls- and the conversations that you have with them in the coming days, weeks and months.
Esther
http://babyschwammy.blogspot.com/
Ashley, I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you and Adam and the girls during this time and praying for peace and comfort. xoxo
So sorry for your loss. Praying for peace and joy in the Lord in the midst of this trial. Praying.
Praying for you!!
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