Mystery

I have come to the realization lately that I will never understand God’s timing or ways. I catch glimpses of good He brings from heartache sometimes but His timing and Sovereignty remain a mystery to me. 

This mystery is something I am continually sorting through but really had to come to terms with spiritually when I found out about my abuse. For whatever reason, the Lord had allowed this man to film me without my knowledge for years and I didn’t understand why the Lord had allowed it. I visited the same feelings when I experienced my second misscarriage, and if I’m honest, those feelings of “is God unfair or really good" still pop up from time to time when I hear about other tragedy’s such as a 39 week old baby being born still birth. My first thought sometimes is, "Why Lord? I just don’t understand.”

The bible speaks to these feelings I have in many ways. I love how honest David is in the psalms. David speaks what he feels, He says,

"My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?

    Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
    Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.” (Psalm 22) 

Job speaks the same way. In Job 7 after losing everything He owned and the people he loved, He says, 

"“I can't be quiet! I am angry and bitter. I have to speak... I lie down and try to rest; I look for relief from my pain. But you — you terrify me with dreams; you send me visions and nightmares until I would rather be strangled than live in this miserable body. I give up; I am tired of living. Leave me alone. My life makes no sense."

I love that God is not scared of our emotions. He is not scared of our questions, in fact He invites us to come to Him with anything we are thinking and feeling so that in sorting through the craziness, He can show us once again that He is good and faithful even when life doesn’t make sense. 

Isaiah 40:25-41 says, "“So—who is like me?

    Who holds a candle to me?” says The Holy.
Look at the night skies:
    Who do you think made all this?
Who marches this army of stars out each night,
    counts them off, calls each by name
—so magnificent! so powerful!—
    and never overlooks a single one?

Why would you ever complain
    or, whine, saying,
“God has lost track of me.
    He doesn’t care what happens to me”?
Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening?
God doesn’t come and go. God lasts.
    He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath.
    And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
    gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
    young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
    They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don’t get tired,
    they walk and don’t lag behind.

I can and will never understand all of His ways; but I can trust Him and I can rely on the fact that He is good, no matter what has happened to me or will happen in the future. It’s a process, trust doesn’t come naturally or instantly for me but I’m thankful He is patient and always loves me to the place where I feel secure again in Him. 

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine. 

When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you. 

For I am the Lord, your God,
   

....you are precious to me.
    You are honored, and I love you.

Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

Isaiah 43