Today is baby Apple's due date. The baby who went to be with Jesus in January. It has been somewhat of a harder day than I expected. I know every person deals and grieves differently and that I am pregnant and the hormones are raging. :)
I also realize the assumption would be "Well your pregnant again and everything's fine so why would today be such a big deal." I wish that was how it worked but it doesn't work that way for me. I am the type that doesn't like to just make myself busy not to think about things (which is fine but just isn't me), I like to deal and process and then I feel much better. I'm just not a stuffer in the sense of grieving.
I think someone said it well to me once. They said, "Yes, you will have more baby's but it will never be that baby." And that's just how I feel about it. I was only about 10 weeks when I found out baby Apple had gone to be with Jesus but I had already loved that baby, prayed hard for that baby, made plans for that baby and longed to hold him/her. That baby was special to me, it was my child and I will not be able to have those experiences with baby Apple.
I realize this (miscarriage) happens to many people every single day, unfortunately, but that doesn't negate the fact that a baby was lost and that it hurts to lose a baby.
All of that said, I have spent today trying to meditate on two passages of scriptures. The first one is a passage that was mentioned in a bible study that I attended last night (good timing!) It's 1 Thessalonians 5:16, it says, "Be Joyful Always, Pray Continually, and Give Thanks in all circumstances." After spending the morning being kinda down, I went to Sonic :) and then took the girls to the park and sat as they played and prayed about many things but part of that time I spent thanking God for my girls. (I wish I would have taken a picture because it was a dress yourself day and they looked hilarious.) They are such precious blessings and I am so thankful for them. I also spent some time thanking God for the sweet little healthy baby in my belly. I couldn't be more thankful for the ultrasound yesterday and it showing that he looks so healthy! As I was sitting on my park bench I thought to myself, it is only by the grace of God that I can thank Him. Everything in my half melancholy self wants to wallow but by His strength I am able to be joyful, pray, and thank Him.
The second verse I have been meditating on is James 1:2-4, "Consider it all
joy when you face trials of various kinds. I felt The Lord say today: "Consider it Joy Ashley that you are continuing to grieve the loss of this sweet baby because even this trial is developing perseverance if you'll let it, if you'll lean on me, trusting me to show you myself through this, and watching for me to work even this for your good."
Tonight we are going to let some balloons fly to heaven for baby Apple. I had the chance today to talk to the girls about heaven. Annabelle remembers baby Apple and asked if Jesus was going to sing her happy birthday and then she changed her mind and decided Jesus doesn't sing happy birthday; He must know way better songs she said. It was all too cute. I explained to them that mommy really wanted to keep baby Apple here on earth but that Jesus always knows what's best and we have to trust Him. Even this was another chance God gave me to be thankful. I feel like my kids really understand concepts about Jesus more when they are practical instead of me telling them a story, so I am thankful to be able to teach them about Jesus through this experience.
I decided that before we let off the balloons tonight that we will say a prayer for two of my friends who have had a miscarriage recently and a couple friends who lost babies full term over a year ago. I plan on using names to God in this time because I believe my God likes specifics. If you or someone you know would like to be prayed for tonight just shoot me an e-mail. I would happy to pray by name for them.
Hopefully, Ill be able to blog about my current pregnancy soon. I haven't down very well documenting this time! Until then...