I have been reading Jennie Allen's book "Anything" and I have really enjoyed her insights to life and Christianity.
Last night I came across this section that hit me like a ton of bricks. It said, “I’m over my cute, comfortable, easy life. I don’t want to make decisions based on my adequacy and capacity. I don’t want to miss what God has for us because I am afraid."
This particular quote hit me for many reasons. First, it is what I have been voicing about this precious little baby in my tummy. See, for a while, Adam really wanted to have another child and I just couldn't even think about it, not because I didn't want another baby but when it came down to it, I was afraid. I was afraid of having another baby like Adelyn, who had so many issues, afraid of thinking of how we would provide for another child, afraid of losing another baby to miscarriage, afraid I would have postpartum depression again. I was just plain afraid and so last night when I read, "I don't want to miss out on what God has for me because I am afraid," I thought of this little boy growing inside of me and what I would have missed out on if I had let fear take over and never tried to get pregnant again. I would have completely missed this blessing.
Let me go back a bit, because this is not a "pat myself on the back" type of moment. If I am completely honest, fear is a huge part of my life. After losing "baby apple" in January, and then getting pregnant so quickly; I was a mess. Anxiety and fear tried to eat me alive and too many times I am sad to say I let them take over. Anxiety is a tricky thing. The more you think about fear and anxiety the more fearful and anxious you become.... I am so thankful that we were able to see a perfectly healthy and well formed baby boy in my belly on Wednesday, this helps with feeling fear that I might miscarry again but really mostly because it makes me feel like I have some sense of control again.
Control is really an allusion I have learned, and the more control I think I have, the more miserable I really am on the inside when it feels like that control is being taken away.
Another reason this quote hit my heart was because it says, "I'm over cute and comfortable. I don't want to make decision because of adequacy and capacity." The Holy Spirit convicted me instantly when reading this. I think part of me has felt like God owes me. We moved in faith trusting and seeking Him and i guess I felt like now He is supposed to provide me with a safe and predictable life (as if that would really be fulfilling anyway.) I think fear has caused me to want that safe life instead of being completely open for WHATEVER the Lord has for our family. I don't want to miss out on what God has for us because I fear it will turn out badly or I because I fear He will not provide "enough" (as if He is capable of not providing what we need.) These are lies from the enemy. Lies that if believed could completely make my life null and void for the kingdom of God and as a believer and follower of Christ, this is my worst nightmare. Living out these fears would be getting to heaven and realizing I had "missed it" instead being able to say, "I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7
The good thing about God is that He never abandons me in these places of fear. I am thankful that He lead me to this book to convict me of my sin of fear. I am thankful that He has reminded me that He has so much for me (including this little one) if I chose reckless abandonment over fear.
This is what I chose when I decided to follow Christ. To give it all. To die every day to myself. To wake up every single morning and put on my armor to fight this fight with the enemy of my soul and I am glad to know that every single bit of it will be worth it one day.
“I’m over my cute, comfortable, easy life. I don’t want to make decisions based on my adequacy and capacity. I don’t want to miss what God has for us because I am afraid."