As I am sitting here thinking, my mind is flooded with thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I am so emotional these days and my excuse is that my body still thinks I'm pregnant. I think I am going to hold on to that excuse for a long time, even after all the hormones are gone. But, if you know anything about me, you'll know that I am naturally emotional. I don't know how someone like me could not be emotional with two parents like mine? :)
The Lord has been so good to Adam and I during this hard time in our lives. He has proven Himself faithful to us, showing us how He wants to protect us and provide for us in the future.
He has been faithful in many ways and I want to make sure I take time to acknowledge and praise Him for it.
First of all, he has protected u from many things. It is so easy to look at all the negatives of this situation. It is easy to dwell on all the emotions but today, I am choosing not to do this. Today, I a choosing to praise my God for he is the protector and provider. The first thing I am extremely thankful to God about is that Adam and I never knew we were pregnant. I guess while I am writing and spilling my guts it is ok to say that we had been wanting to get pregnant since June. I had convinced Adam :) to get off birth control last December and then in June he decided he wanted to start trying and so we did. So December would have been 7 months we had been trying. So, imagine if on the 12th of December (the day we found out we had had a miscarriage), we instead had found out we were pregnant, and then a week and two days later found out that instead the baby was in my fallopian tube and it never had a chance of actually making it to be a baby that we could hold and love. I am emotional now, yes, because I still want to have a baby to love and hold but thinking about going through the process of getting all excited and telling everyone and them coming back and having to tell everyone we had a miscarriage would be way harder. I thank the Lord every day that we did not know.
The second thing I am extremely thankful that Dr. Crenshaw found the baby and wanted to go to surgery immediately. See, I had been experiencing bleeding for two and a half months and Adam and I kept going back to different doctors trying to find out what the problem was and no one could tell us. The neat thing about this is that the Lord knew the whole time. I was bleeding and so I did not even think to take a pregnancy test because I thought that was impossible and the Lord protected me from doing that. The doctors and nurses told me in the hospital that they had gotten the baby and the tube out just in time. It could have burst any minute. If a fallopian tube burst it can damage anything and is very painful. Thank the Lord he protected me from that! The Lord knew which doctor I would see and that this particular doctor would be the one that could figure out the problem just in time.
In all these things the Lord has proven Himself faithful. Isn't it weird how it is easy to question God but when we step and look for the ways He has provides for us we can see that He is there with us the whole time.
Before all of this took place I had a underlying fear that I could not get pregnant. I think it was pretty normal from a girl that had been bleeding for two and a half months :) Now, even though it is a typical reaction, it was still doubt or lack of trust in the Lord. The Lord has so wonderfully taken this away from me. I know that one day I will have children and I am no longer fearful. Even in my unfaithfulness, God is still faithful to me and provides me with peace.
As weird as it may sound, I feel as if the Lord has almost been preparing me for this. One of my friends, Devon, and I read this bible-study book called, "Lord where are you when bad things happen." The whole book is about seeing God in times when it is hard to see God's hand working. It challenged us to always remember that God is in control and not turn to doubt or frustration but to run to the cross. I will never forget that book or the things that have happened afterward.
It seems as if almost immediately after reading this book, out of the ordinary bad things started happening. It so so strange and yet I knew that everything that happened the lord was using in my life to show me that He is always there and to trust him, to lean on Him. It was a crazy summer and one day when meeting with my girls from church I told them that I did not believe that God was finished teaching me this lesson because I had not learned it yet and I knew it. I told them that I knew something hard was coming up, something else that was going to test my faith and prove whether I truly was the christian I said I was, the kind that beleived that all things worked together for good (Romans 8:28) and that He understands. I had somewhere in the back of my mind especially when I kept bleeding that it had something to do with all of this. So many things I had learned about affirmed that the Lord was preparing me for a time when He was going to challenge me to not turn my back on Him. Honestly, I can say, only by God's grace, I do not question Him.
One of the most precious things that has happened to me through all this is that one day some of the girls in my Sunday School class (I teach 7th and 8th grade girls...they are crazy but I LOVE them!) anyway, a girl called and asked me why I was not at church on that Wednesday night. The answer was because I was having very bad back pain related to all of this stuff. I tried to tell them that I was sick and then I was going to be done with it but they kept asking me questions so I eventually told them that I had had a miscarriage. One of the girls, said in a very sincere voice, "You know Ashley, God paints on a big canvas and we can only see a little bitty part of it. He is in control. You know that right?" I immediately asked her, "Where did you hear that?" (because I say that in Sunday School all the time when teaching about going through hard time and circumstances) She said, "I heard it from you." I do not say this to say anything good about myself but instead to say that again God is faithful. I love the fact that God used that 7th grader from my class to remind me of something I had said many many times about the way God works and He used it in His perfect time. I believe this is a testimony to how good God truly is.
Another thing that particularly blessed me was this little book I got in the mail called "Beautifully Pinned Promises" by Mary Grace Birkhead. I received the book Christmas Day from the woman who are in charge of my Monday night class. I wrote this in an email to one of the woman who sent it to me: